Ceremony Cynic Gifts

"Someone has come up with some just impediment."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

The Forever Stamp

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"This is all so ARBITRARY!"

Obama builds own gallows.

Bush vs. America

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Marriage Returns

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"In an effort to avoid controversy, and to accommodate our attention spans, we will be replacing the commencement speaker with fortune cookies."

'Huh! Nobody home!'

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

The first accurate poll.

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

*2020

Born Cynical,,,,

'No, the answer is: d ) All of the above.'

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

'These are fine, but what's in it for me?'

Rolling the red carpet before and after the important man