Celebration Cynic Gifts

Getting older.

'Happy New Year? What was wrong with last year?'

Fear of Birthdays.

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

'I hate all holidays!'

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Bush vs. America

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Obama builds own gallows.

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"I've never hated Christmas, just people."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

"Birthday? No? Anniversary?

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

'These are fine, but what's in it for me?'

'The following program may not be suitable for those of you who are sick and tired of politics....'

'This is the fourth single woman to attack the Valentine's display this week.'

"You can't put a price on all those years of marriage." "Au contraire!"

"Did he give it all to the poor, or just the after salary and expenses part?"

All Organic Pork: "Naturally smoked bacon my ass."

'Ms Phelps, can you help me? I seem to have misplaced my Christmas spirit.'

"I want a campaign that shows the brand's empathetic, inclusive and caring side - or you're all fired."

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."

'Remind me, what should I be thanking my lucky stars for?'

'Help me, Helen! I'm feeling a momentary lapse of cynicism!'

"There are never sleigh tracks on our roof, or soot tracks on our carpet. Maybe you're just fake news?"

'I'm really getting tired of all these Christmas commercials.'