Celebration Cynic Gifts

'Happy New Year? What was wrong with last year?'

Fear of Birthdays.

'I hate all holidays!'

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Obama builds own gallows.

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"I've never hated Christmas, just people."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

'These are fine, but what's in it for me?'

'The following program may not be suitable for those of you who are sick and tired of politics....'

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."

"Did he give it all to the poor, or just the after salary and expenses part?"

All Organic Pork: "Naturally smoked bacon my ass."

"You can't put a price on all those years of marriage." "Au contraire!"

'Ms Phelps, can you help me? I seem to have misplaced my Christmas spirit.'

'Help me, Helen! I'm feeling a momentary lapse of cynicism!'

'Remind me, what should I be thanking my lucky stars for?'

"There are never sleigh tracks on our roof, or soot tracks on our carpet. Maybe you're just fake news?"

'I'm really getting tired of all these Christmas commercials.'

Scrooge: only-23-days until day after Christmas.

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?" "I met a lady a while back." "We're both stuck in marriages we don't want to be in. We'd rather be together but we don't have the courage to end things." "What do you mean 'courage?' Ending things isn't 'courageous,' it's cowardly." "Courage means not running from misery, but embracing it, becoming its master, and delivering it upon all those around you with a vengeance."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"