Cynical Celebrators Gifts

"There are never sleigh tracks on our roof, or soot tracks on our carpet. Maybe you're just fake news?"

'great win, kids! Let's celebrate... My treat!!'

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"With great power comes great reward."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

'Psst, Senator, not that one -- that's your HIDDEN agenda!'

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."

"The only reason I would take a job in government is to write a tell-all book!"

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

'Confusing, dangerous times call for confusing, dangerous leadership!'

"Sir, your trust me sign is crooked."

"This is the politicians model, it doesn't actually give an answer."

Corrupted Politicians

The Three Branches of Government

"Amazing. Their entire economy was based on gift cards."

'When we said 'the common good,' of course, we meant ourselves.'

Have you seen me? I'm the man you thought you elected to office.

"Politics is the art of promising much, delivering little, and convincingly arguing it's the other party's fault."

'The problem with politics is politicians!'

"I'm voting my prejudice - but I haven't decided which."

Uncle Sam

'He's going after the cynical voter.'

'He drinks to forget and today it's our wedding anniversary.'

'I've been voting Republican all my life, but this Election Day, I'm just going to go out and get drunk instead.'