Cynical Celebrators Gifts

"There are never sleigh tracks on our roof, or soot tracks on our carpet. Maybe you're just fake news?"

'great win, kids! Let's celebrate... My treat!!'

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"With great power comes great reward."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

A Diverse Cabinet That Looks Like America

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

Black Friday

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

'Psst, Senator, not that one -- that's your HIDDEN agenda!'

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."

"The only reason I would take a job in government is to write a tell-all book!"

"Birthday? No? Anniversary?

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

'Confusing, dangerous times call for confusing, dangerous leadership!'

The Three Branches of Government

"This is the politicians model, it doesn't actually give an answer."

"Sir, your trust me sign is crooked."

Vote. You gave him a campaign contribution? Yes -- I think of it as investing in pork futures.

Corrupted Politicians

Why Physics and Politics Don't Mix

"Amazing. Their entire economy was based on gift cards."

'When we said 'the common good,' of course, we meant ourselves.'

'He's going after the cynical voter.'

"Politics is the art of promising much, delivering little, and convincingly arguing it's the other party's fault."

Here's Why Democrats Did Their Lame Pro Forma Impeachment of Trump

"I'm voting my prejudice - but I haven't decided which."

Uncle Sam

'The problem with politics is politicians!'

Have you seen me? I'm the man you thought you elected to office.

'I've been voting Republican all my life, but this Election Day, I'm just going to go out and get drunk instead.'