Ceremony Cynic Pillows

"Someone has come up with some just impediment."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'No, but thanks for asking,'

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

The Forever Stamp

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Obama builds own gallows.

Marriage Returns

"This is all so ARBITRARY!"

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"In an effort to avoid controversy, and to accommodate our attention spans, we will be replacing the commencement speaker with fortune cookies."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'No, the answer is: d ) All of the above.'

Born Cynical,,,,

The first accurate poll.

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

'These are fine, but what's in it for me?'

'The following program may not be suitable for those of you who are sick and tired of politics....'

Rolling the red carpet before and after the important man