Celebrity Culture Skeptic Gifts

The Following Program Contains Scenes Which Could Give Rise To Feelings Of Inadequacy. Viewer Discretion Is Advised.

Celebrity Autobiography...

"Sarah's grades are excellent. She got A+ in 'Yogi Berra: Philosopher or Fall Guy?,' A in 'Dollars and Scents: An Analysis of Post-Vietnam Perfume Advertising,' A in 'The Final Four as Last Judgment: The N.C.A.A. Tournament from a Religious Perspective,'

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

'I know I don't look like a matinee idol of yesteryear anymore, but neither do they!'

Martin Scorsese Roasts Your Fandom

Nick Cave

Snow White and her Seven people.

Dr. Kapuchnik, I notice that you've been quoting Dr. Phil a lot lately. That's because I'm hoping that if he sees me sucking up to him in the comics, he'll bankroll the TV-show proposal I sent to his production company, Gasbag Enterprises.

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

"I was at a party with SO many famous people, I was the only one there I'd never heard of..!"

"Well, you can't say they didn't warn us."

"First, we tell everybody that you're in rehab. I'll take it from there."

Band Aid-style rock stars wear T-shirts that read : 'Feed my ego'.

"Well, now we know what Letterman's doing, what are we doing?"

"A P.R. Intern Named Salome with the Head Shot of John the Client."

"The truth? You can't HANDLE the truth!"

W.C. Fields

'He may be the Messiah, but he's no Springsteen.'

Chihuahua's nightmare: 'There's a sneering voice talking to me: 'You'll get stuffed between a blonde celebrity's breasts till you can't breathe anymore!' Then I wake up bathed in sweat...'

"Would you like something by an over promoted high-price athlete or a nobody from Jersey?"

The Pooperrazzi

Celebrity Clerk: Schrodinger's Cat.

"Emotional breakdown! Call Oprah!"

"For me it's all about the craft of acting."

'I'm still trying to build up a following here, but I'm huge in Lilliput.'

'If I never get my 15 minutes of fame, I at least want a giant cutout face of myself.'

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

"Forty thousand dollars for a Taylor Swift ticket? Explain."

"I'm retired actor Daniel Day Lewis. They thought I was I was good. They don't know how good."

"Hey, I'm a big fan of your work. I loved you in Godzilla!"

'I was only famous for 14 and a half minutes.'