Caution Connoisseur Gifts

Tiptoeing around voltometers.

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"Are you not thinking what I'm not thinking?"

'Call the boss! We're in trouble!'

Weatherman: "Tonight's weather forecast is confusing, followed tomorrow by downright bewildering."

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

Street signs you don't want to see.

'I'm going to add to the confusion. I'm going to sign my name upside-down.'

"I said to make a thousand CLONES."

"See what you get for thinking outside the fishbowl!"

"Didn't I warn you about buying medication from the internet?!"

"Don't be an idiot, Larry."

'Your dilemma is fabulous. Imagine what a dramaturge could do with it.'

"The show's a big hit, but a little too risque. It's not worth the aggravation we're getting from the watchdog groups."

'This advertising campagn is stupid and disgusting and it appeals to peoples' most primitive instincts. I love it.'

Geekasaurus.

"It's called being preemptive."

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

On the scale of 1-10, do you like it?

'Arrivals and Departures - this railroad governed by Heisenberg's uncertainty principle'

Mass Confucian

Man in bookstore is looking at a large section of books devoted to stock market crash predictions.

Euro crisis: abandon ship.

'I think I've got it.'

"No, thanks Bob. And just exactly when did you decide you were a 'dog person'?"

Reporter on Aleppo

"See, there it is.Thou shalt not bake cakes for gay couples."

"True, it's an authorized biography, but we'd do better by marketing it as unauthorized."

"Uh-oh...I fear this means trouble at the stock exchange!"

Joke traffic signs.

'This box usually yields one or two sensible suggestions,four or five stupid ideas,ten to twenty immoral suggestions and several hundred candy wrappers.'

'This extraordinary first sign of life...A European crisis agreement has a long and perilous journey ahead before it has any hope of developing into a fully-grown Greek bailout deal...'

Kanye West

'I have no idea what you are saying.'

"Just my luck to marry the only man in town with the mind-body problem."