Cat Retirement Humorist Gifts

"Who gets Meals on Wheels?"

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

Cat Reunion

"The painting and pillows were his idea. The scratches were mine."

"I only scratch up the furniture hoping they'll replace it with something more stylish."

"What we're looking for is someone who think outside the box?"

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"There HAS to be a giant ball at the end of all this string."

Cat holds sign which says - Will purr for food.

'Waiter, there's a hairball in my soup, too.'

"But some of my best ideas come while I'm in the litter box."

'Oh, this will be good! He just putted into a sand trap...our litter box.'

'Yeah, I'm a mouser.'

"I hate it..."

'I'm a lap cat. So, naturally I prefer a laptop.'

Litter Box Logistics Ltd.

"Scientists have extended the life of the fruit fly."

'I'd like the tongue, please.'

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Pied Piper

"What SPF sunscreen do you suggest for lying around in a sunny spot?"

"GPS? In case we get lost? Why would we need that? We're microchipped."

"Ever wonder where all those cat videos come from?"

'I don't mind you singing, but I draw the line at your banjo playing.'

'Who did you have lick your hair?'

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Balloon

Man asks haughty looking cat: "And how, exactly, do you qualify as a spokesman for the feline community?"

Cat on a psychiatrist's couch: 'Truth is, I'm not really a cat person.'

"He says he can quit anytime, but I'm starting to worry."

The Curiosity Mars rover is seen killing a cat: 'Mission accomplished.'

'I said, I've decided to make myself available for the NBA draft.'

'Ain't it great, Wally, to be over the hill and not under it!'

Before you feed him/After you feed him.

101 uses of a dead cat: peg leg