Career Assessment Gifts

'Ready for your performance review?'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'I'll make my final decision on that promotion of yours, after this game.'

"I'm sorry, Ms. Cole is busy balancing family and career. Can I take a message and have her call you back?"

37 years in the same position.

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

Doris K. Elston: Brain Surgeon, Professional Model, Artist, Lawyer....Plus Mother of Four.

"Pay more attention to me? I'm sorry, dear, but Mommy needs you to be more specific."

'Go right in -- he's expecting you.'

"Dave, could you hold on a sec while I take care of some personal business?"

I've been working 20 hours a day. Well, that leaves you four hours to get to work.

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

"Sure, I'm a successful working bee, but sometimes, I wish I could have a family..."

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

"....how many kids have we got now?"

''A desk job.' That's what they called it at the interview.' 'Same here.' 'SHH!'

'I'm looking for a workaholic who feels the great job he does is compensation enough.'

If you really need permanent staff for IMMEDIATE cover then we could pull out all the stops and get someone by next October.

'Remember, my door is always open Higgins, just be careful of the trap door.'

"Why, if it isn't Henshaw caught in the Overtime Warp again."

Working 9 to 5.

"We're all in the same boat, except it's more like a life raft than an actual boat."

"You don't mind the psychometric test, do you?"

'This is the last time we post job openings,'

"Can you hurry up with the cake? I have to travel the world, have a career and start a family"

'I became successful when my dreams changed from the Cary Grants of the world to federal grants.'

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

'Money is a bit tight at the moment, so instead of cash we wondered whether you'd settle for 20% more meaningless protestations of how much we value you?'

Career Analyst "Well I've looked at your file and yes, your job is rubbish"

Presenter Auditions.

"I never had to choose between a baby and a career—I'm a surrogate mother."

'Little has changed since you called saying you had to work overtime. Except John Wayne died. Oh, and there's a new thing called the 'Internet'.'