Canine Etiquette Expert Pillows

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Look, he just wants to apologize for scaring the daylights out of you yesterday. ... Mr. Squirrel? ..."

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

People who let their big dogs run around leash free and then say things like. . .

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

If bar stools were like playground swings...

"Poop outside and he saves it in a bag. Crap on the carpet and he loses his mind."

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'You're hired as far as I'm concerned Edwin! And look at these guys?...They seem to really like you!...You're a natural!'

"This time when they show us their latest acquisition, we'll gush regardless."

Dog History

'Can you pass me the saw-dust when you're finished with it Darling?'

"Rats."

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

"… She's simply asking that you no longer refer to her as 'the dog.'"

Ladies' Game

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

"When offering the wine list, we don't say, 'Something to wash that down with'!"

"Is your dog friendly or socially maladjusted?"

"Let it breathe for an hour, to bring out the best home-truths."

"Is your dog friendly?!"

'Now, our master is always polite and leaves the seat up for us, not like our Mistress...'

Gratuities: Fine presumptuous dining.

"Do we need change? That's a $100 bill for a $53 check, Mr. Presumptuous."

"Guys, can you be quiet for a minute please: I'm on a call!"

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"He must have picked that up at the kennel."