Pet Etiquette Analyst Pillows

People who let their big dogs run around leash free and then say things like. . .

'With 73 dog obedience books read between us, I think we must consider defeat.'

"Look, he just wants to apologize for scaring the daylights out of you yesterday. ... Mr. Squirrel? ..."

"I see you mister mail carrier... that's it, just keep walking... don't even think abo—did you just look at my house?! Are you looking for trouble? Cujo ain't got #!@* on me."

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"Poop outside and he saves it in a bag. Crap on the carpet and he loses his mind."

"… She's simply asking that you no longer refer to her as 'the dog.'"

"Jerk." "Jackass." "Screw you." "Bite me."

"If you want to play fetch with the dog, throw your own @#&% arm."

"Rats."

I bark and bark and bark. . . Therefore I am.

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"Is your dog friendly or socially maladjusted?"

"Is your dog friendly?!"

'Now, our master is always polite and leaves the seat up for us, not like our Mistress...'

'A listener from Ridgeway asks, 'When visiting a friend, is it improper to drink out of the toilet unless asked first?' Good question...'

"Eddie, you are one hell of a mouse!"

Dog Park. Ernie, let me help you navigate the dog park safely. Thanks. Never ask the dalmatian if you can play "Connect the Dots." Don't discuss international politics with the Siberian Husky, or make jokes around the Greyhound. The Saint Bernard does not find it funny if you ask for his blessing. And most importantly, unless you schedule is clear for a week ... yeah? Don't say "yes" when the Lab asks you to play with that ball with him!

"You say: It's nothing more than jealousy inspired backstabbing. I say: It's the fourth report of butt-sniffing I've had this week."

'That's what I wanted to ask you about.'

Preschools for Dogs

Unbroken Eye Contact: The Musical

Dog with long tongue out car window.

'George, kitty got tired of waiting for us to let her in.'

"It's not the dry food I hate, it's that crunching sound you make when you eat it!"

"Do not look at the crumbs—you're so close... If this gets ugly, only use closed paws, no scratching."

'I couldn't sleep last night. . . then I realized I forgot to turn around in a circle three times before I went to bed. . .'

"The barking ... it has to stop."

Dog with enormous stick.

My Day - Dog magazine

The Snowman and the Snowdog.

"Instead of chasing them like a madman, just ask the squirrels if they’d like to play with you."

Pushkins was having one of those dog days.

'Our cat doesn't do any tricks, but he's pretty tricky.'

Fido's begging days were over.