Animal Etiquette Enthusiast Pillows

"The barking ... it has to stop."

"Instead of chasing them like a madman, just ask the squirrels if they’d like to play with you."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"I dunno, looks like a trap."

Frank was certain his Bird of Paradise mating dance would press all the right buttons with Margaret.

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"Look, he just wants to apologize for scaring the daylights out of you yesterday. ... Mr. Squirrel? ..."

"Are there treats? Just grab the treats and get outta there!"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

People who let their big dogs run around leash free and then say things like. . .

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"I'll take this one."

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'Humans do it, why couldn't we? Instead of chasing food, we could breed it: It's all explained in my report...'

"He may be neutered and declawed, but he's still dangerous."

Dog Bar with Toilets.

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"Poop outside and he saves it in a bag. Crap on the carpet and he loses his mind."

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'Don't get up!'

"All rise."

'D'you have any salt?'

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'