Pet Etiquette Enthusiast Pillows

"Is your dog friendly or socially maladjusted?"

Biofelineism

People who let their big dogs run around leash free and then say things like. . .

"Look, he just wants to apologize for scaring the daylights out of you yesterday. ... Mr. Squirrel? ..."

Obedience School/Disobedience School.

"Hey, waiter! This homework is burnt to a crisp!"

"Poop outside and he saves it in a bag. Crap on the carpet and he loses his mind."

Dog History

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

"Rats."

"Jerk." "Jackass." "Screw you." "Bite me."

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

'Now, our master is always polite and leaves the seat up for us, not like our Mistress...'

"OK, she's back. Just start slowly, and remember to ask her about herself."

"Is your dog friendly?!"

'The Boss is coming to dinner tonight - please don't open a can of worms again.'

"I'm suffering the unbearable loneliness of being right on the internet."

'A listener from Ridgeway asks, 'When visiting a friend, is it improper to drink out of the toilet unless asked first?' Good question...'

'Manners are the noises you don't make while you eat.'

"Eddie, you are one hell of a mouse!"

Dog Park. Ernie, let me help you navigate the dog park safely. Thanks. Never ask the dalmatian if you can play "Connect the Dots." Don't discuss international politics with the Siberian Husky, or make jokes around the Greyhound. The Saint Bernard does not find it funny if you ask for his blessing. And most importantly, unless you schedule is clear for a week ... yeah? Don't say "yes" when the Lab asks you to play with that ball with him!

"See. I told you they have Roomba Rodeos when we're gone."

'Journey of self-discovery' Dog realizes he can make his leg move when he scratches.

Preschools for Dogs

'Do you think I over-praised Marmaduke for fetching the paper?'

Doug always circled around four or five times before lying down to sleep.

"You know what I love? Rolling in dead squirrel." "Oh, my God, yes! How about peeing on the floor at Petco?!" "Wait, wait–what's the farthest distance either of you have rubbed your butt across a carpet?!"

"It's not the dry food I hate, it's that crunching sound you make when you eat it!"

Man in elevator looking at sign that says 'Stare Here.'

"Here's what you do when you're kenneled: find the biggest dog in the joint and kick his #!@*."

"Eye contact is good, but eye contact without blinking is not."

"If you eat the homework, but then spit it out, are you still a bad dog?"

"The barking ... it has to stop."

Trolling on social media

A guest departing a party.