Canine Etiquette Enthusiast Pillows

Preschools for Dogs

"Is your dog friendly?!"

"No matter what, always take a small courtesy whiff."

"Rats."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

People who let their big dogs run around leash free and then say things like. . .

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

"Look, he just wants to apologize for scaring the daylights out of you yesterday. ... Mr. Squirrel? ..."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

"This is a little awkward, but you've been our guest for a while now, and we all have work in the morning..."

"Poop outside and he saves it in a bag. Crap on the carpet and he loses his mind."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

'Don't get up!'

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

"All rise."

'D'you have any salt?'

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'