Dog Etiquette Aficionado Pillows

"Poop outside and he saves it in a bag. Crap on the carpet and he loses his mind."

People who let their big dogs run around leash free and then say things like. . .

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

"Look, he just wants to apologize for scaring the daylights out of you yesterday. ... Mr. Squirrel? ..."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

Obedience School/Disobedience School.

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

'Don't get up!'

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

"… She's simply asking that you no longer refer to her as 'the dog.'"

"More?"

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

"Rats."

"Jerk." "Jackass." "Screw you." "Bite me."

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

Dog History

"Is your dog friendly or socially maladjusted?"

"Is your dog friendly?!"

'The Boss is coming to dinner tonight - please don't open a can of worms again.'

"Gesundheit!"

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"This is Jim's second speech on how not to make people mad by talking on your phone. I missed his first speech."

Dog Park. Ernie, let me help you navigate the dog park safely. Thanks. Never ask the dalmatian if you can play "Connect the Dots." Don't discuss international politics with the Siberian Husky, or make jokes around the Greyhound. The Saint Bernard does not find it funny if you ask for his blessing. And most importantly, unless you schedule is clear for a week ... yeah? Don't say "yes" when the Lab asks you to play with that ball with him!

"You can rejoin your party if you think you can refrain from slurping your soup! Got that?"

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

"So, Claire tells me you ate her parents last night."

'May I recommend the red wine?'

'Manners are the noises you don't make while you eat.'

Traddles and I in conference with the Misses Spenlow

"I've never seen a gimme taken on a fareway before."

Man of refinement trying to teach a street salesman to say 'asparagus' rather than 'sparrow-grass'

'Well, I for one do not believe common courtesy to the host demands deck shoes.'

'Seriously, Earl. It's just embarrassing!'

"Bobby, you may have worked for a circus but that's not an excuse for playing with your food!"

'After years of trying, he caught his tail.'