Canine Conspiracist Gifts

"The human is back - act normal."

"Defense budget... Do you have any idea how much catnip $700 billion would buy?"

The Huge-Underground Vat theory of why all wonton soup tastes exactly the same.

'If this drilling goes on they are going to find my stash of Martian Dollars I buried as a hedge against inflation.'

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

"Well, if I didn't send away for an entry application to the cat show, and you didn't send away for an entry application, who did?"

"Make it look like nine accidents.'

'Tell me where she hides the treats and I'll get you a straw.'

'Why can't you just chew bones like other dogs?' (dog smoking pipe).

"We get in, we go down, we walk to the Park. I do my business; we're in and out in ten minutes. Anyone asks, you're with me."

"If they figure out how to clone humans, we're screwed."

"After viewing the video footage, it wasn't the dog making the mess, after all..."

"I hear he has more than bones buried."

"The mainstream media has entered into a global conspiracy to make us less popular than dogs."

Doggy Peer Pressure

"You're the one with the fancy forensic psychology degree; you tell me which one of them did it."

'So, the rumours are true! You have been friendly with the Postman! My own son! Shame on you!'

"As you persist in pretending to throw that stick, I have retrieved something else. See you in Hell, Hal."

'Sammy's going to take you for a little walk.'

Here lie the earthly remains of Cal Can, beloved town dogcatcher.

"I can't meet you in the park today. The cats suspect something."

'There's probably no dog.'

'Look out - a snooper from Environmental Health.'

Translation: "Let's turn off the invisibility shield just long enough to freak 'em out."

'...and God created canine in his own image.'

Honest Harry's Last Chance Pet Adoption...

'Stop Fred, don't taunt this one: He's a guide dog...'

'Apparently, someone went on my computer and ordered fifty cases of doggy num nums...would you happen to know anything about that?'

'What have you done with the dog, Fred?'

'We've just been declawed and a new couch is delivered: Not a coincidence if you ask me...'

"Here's some money and a passport. They'll be looking for you so head to to the border and good luck."

Cat lover responding to dog like a cat.