Candor Critic Gifts

"Tighten the bolts and slap some more boilerplate on this report, Mike. It's got candor leaking out in a dozen places!"

"And I'll have that lightly sedated, please."

"It started with a simple case of peer-review."

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

"My kid could do that."

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"We like to think he's experimenting with color and form, but his art therapist suggested we're not giving him enough candy."

"Eating a diet rich in vibrant colors does not mean a bowl of Skittles."

"Put away the gummy candies and bring out the apples. The kid's mother is our dentist!"

Dateline - Caf

"Poor bastard. The New York 'Times' just panned his zinfandel."

Schoolgirl in canteen: 'The food's great but I wish they'd stop calling it 'pukka tukka'.'

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'

"Med Brittle"

Focus Groupies

Big deal! If you were smart, you'd have waited for the price of gold to go up. Everyone's a critic.

Candy Land for Adults

"Let's see if there's another witch's cottage with a better candy selection."

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

"That was a boring field trip."

"I got horse dewormer..."

"But you got some good reviews too, yeah?"

Now Showing: "Mucky Wucky" Rated Z. That means Roger Ebert slept through it.

"That outfit is a nasty mix of stripes and patterns."

"There are mysteries up here on the 13th floor. Like who keeps locking the exit door? Why is that clock always 12 minutes fast? And who actually eats the liverwurst sandwiches from that machine?"

"Excellent choice, our double mocha fudge supreme has never been linked to a serious injury or fatality."

Judgeasaurus

'I hate chocolates that are gooey inside but I love Valentine's cards that are all gooey inside.'

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"

Trump dries his hair with hot air

Randy, do you think I'm stuck working here, working at this cafe? Why do you ask? Maybe I could branch out, test the waters, see if I've got the courage and capacity to try something new. Are you saying I hang out at this cafe because I've got nowhere else to go? What just happened? If I just said something aloud, it had no weight or meaning.