Calorie Counter Gifts

'How do we bake such delicious large muffins that have only 20 calories? Easy, false advertising.'

'It's partly glandular and partly 8,500 calories per day.'

'I saw the school nurse put that sign up.'

Bake Shop / Crack Co-cake $10.

'I think sugar substitutes are fattening. Have you noticed that people who use them are usually overweight?'

"I don't understand Doc, he only eats the same as the rest of us..."

'If you go on a diet and lose five pounds, only to gain ten the following month, how many infuriating godforsaken pounds do you weigh?'

'Clearly my client would be slim, healthy and attractive if MacBurger had adequately warned him of the dangers of eating every scrap of food in their restaurant.'

"And could I have a small diet soda please."

'Try to kill something that will allow me to stay within a daily 1800 calorie diet.'

"Am I still hungry or am I just eating this because it's still there?"

'It's very important to have balanced diet.'

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

Sawdust.

Low fat diets.

In the calorie family: 'You're home early?' 'Mrs Harrison has started dieting again!'

"I can't have anything that's a food."

'Good job I haven't got to worry about my figure anymore.'

'I'd like something with a high amount of vegetable protein, a bit of glucose or dextroe for energy, and some fiber.' 'One peanut butter and jelly on toast.'

"How many calories do you think we burn by pressing these buttons each day?"

'This looks good. The first ingredient is calories.'

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

"The way I figure it, we can reach our goal of 10,000 steps a day by moving the refrigerator to the far wall."

"Don't worry, I shall be putting an exclamation mark after it."

'Sure I eat three desserts but each trip I put only one dessert on my plate. That way I walk off the calories.'

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

'I've decided to get serious about losing weight. I moved the refrigerator out of my bedroom.'

All you can eat buffet...speed limit: 750 calories per minute

"I'm afraid the chocolate cake puts you over the calorie cap."

Satan Fast Food

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

"And what would you like to regret later?"

'Not a complicated business deal - they're just working out how many calories they've had!'

The professor had developed a product that would change the world forever.

"I do diet...between snacks."