Calory Counting Gifts

'Frozen dinners have more calories if you heat them up.'

'We must be 50,000 calories away from home by now.'

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

"Only three more miles and tonight we're good for tiramisu!"

Secretive Weigh In.

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."

All Natural Nothing

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Scientist counting microscopic things he can see in his microscope

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

7 brownies worth of exercise.

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'For the first 500 calories of what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful.'

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

Dieting Motivation.

Woman Weighing Herself on Two Scales.

'Diet considerations.'

Sisyphus Sawyer

"I eat a totally plant-based diet and I still can't lose weight."

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

Extra Rich Cream Cakes

'Good. Then there's no reason to stay on this diet any longer.'

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

'This exotic dessert I make is guilt-free. I already burned all the calories running around finding the ingredients!'

"I'm doing all I can to make the little things count."

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'