Caloric Calculator Gifts

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'No, I didn't cheat on Bob. It was worse than that. I cheated on my diet.'

'We must be 50,000 calories away from home by now.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

"Only three more miles and tonight we're good for tiramisu!"

All Natural Nothing

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

Secretive Weigh In.

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

'For the first 500 calories of what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful.'

Woman Weighing Herself on Two Scales.

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

'Diet considerations.'

Dieting Motivation.

Sisyphus Sawyer

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

"I eat a totally plant-based diet and I still can't lose weight."

'Good. Then there's no reason to stay on this diet any longer.'

Extra Rich Cream Cakes

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'Do we have any empty calories in this house!!'

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

'This exotic dessert I make is guilt-free. I already burned all the calories running around finding the ingredients!'

Joe's Weight Gain: 'Hey, Victoria...I like this diet you told me about yesterday...I just lost 2 more while we've been talking.'

Dinosaurs ponder fad dieting prior to extinction.