Caloric Investigator Gifts

'Just as I suspected - cheating on our diet!'

"Good For You / Bad For You"

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

Honest Vending

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

All Natural Nothing

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Do you remember when we used to put FOOD in food?"

Flour, sugar, earth, air, fire, water.

'Diet considerations.'

Woman Weighing Herself on Two Scales.

Sure, I'll take a sandwich

Sisyphus Sawyer

"I eat a totally plant-based diet and I still can't lose weight."

Dinosaurs ponder fad dieting prior to extinction.

"How would you like your soy protein, mixed tocopherols and methylcellulose patty?"

"And what would you like to regret later?"

'Will we ever get a morning-after pill for over-eating?'

'Like it? It's my digital vest, it calculates calories, portions and price per pound!'

Hot dog.

Woman in Restaurant has Menu and Calorie Counter.

"Ambitions... to eat, drink and be merry."

"Gimme a double burger between two burgers. And hold the lettuce; it only dilutes the experience."

Rat Hair: Peanut Butter Ingredient.

"It may not be the lowest cal, but it's low enough cal for me."

Secret Family Recipes

'It's gluten-free or free range or something. Enjoy.'

Processed foods, unprocessed foods.

'Now with 30% less crap you can't even pronounce!'

"The manna tastes okay, but I'd feel better if I had a list of ingredients."

"People are always whining about food labelling, but there's NOTHING that ANYONE with a reasonable chemistry degree and maybe a PhD in pharmacology wouldn't with a little effort, be able to understand....At least a little."

"No, we don't sell gluten-free gluten."

Sugar-coated riboflavin yellow #5 fructose surbosic-carboblutonic flakes.

'Don't rush me. I'm adding up the calories!'