Calorie Detective Gifts

"The figure to the right is the number of crunches you'll need to do to work off the gut that meal will give you."

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

'Like death by salad.'

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

"At first glance this diet might seem boring but then you realize there are actually seven varieties of kale!"

Secretive Weigh In.

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

Honest Vending

Critisize your weight.

'Nothing impacts my lifestyle choices more than a veterinarian with a scale.'

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

'This towel is wet so I'll subtract fourteen pounds.'

Woman Weighing Herself on Two Scales.

'Dorothy - we're not in the health food section anymore.'

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

'Diet considerations.'

"If He didn't want us to eat it, why'd He wrap the whole thing in bacon?"

"I'm not sure what's causing your stomachache. But I think it's safe to rule out hunger pains."

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

Diets: Sweets and Biscuits.

Attack of the 'health' foods

Mind, Body, Spirit (and Food Court).

'Come on, eat your spinach.' -' Sorry, I'm on a special diet...No toxic waste.'

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

'Where do you want to go for breakfast, fancy an Australian or do you want to nip over to Hawaii?'

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

"Frankly, dear, I think you've been on this paleo diet much too long!"

'Remember, chew every bite 32 times.'

'Would you like that organic, locally grown, carbon neutral, fair trade, trans fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free and peanut-free?'

"I can't have anything that's a food."