Food Calculator Gifts

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'This is embarrassing. By MY calculations, the universe should have collapsed in on itself last Wednesday.'

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

'Unemployed math grad. Will solve quadratic equations for food."

"Have you been working out?"

People, please listen. I'm talkin 'bout the income gap. The top one percent of Americans get one third of the nation's income, over double what they got in 1980. One-third. The income for the top 0.01% is 196 times the bottom 90%. Your wages have stagnated and the super-duper rich have gotten super-duper richer! How can you possibly swallow your coffee? Because you're making me do math before noon!

"Here's your dessert. A guilt counselor iss standing by to help you once you calculate how many calories you've consumed."

Business Meeting

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

"It's right here… Nov. 29th, 1981, at Elaine's… twelve percent."

School Supply Room. Look at this -- a calculator, a protractor and a compass! You've discovered the missing weapons of math instruction!

"I'm here to warn you, do not eat both slices of cake – you're going to want one tomorrow."

'Let me have 20% fat, 40% carbohydrate, 40% protein and a cup of tea,'

Economists generally agree that consumers don't trust products that cost too little. If an item is too inexpensive, it seems cheap. A higher cost connotes quality. Price hike! Beware the rabid capitalist bearing economic theory.

I told you we should have split a meal.

"We're not dividing the bill. We're dividing the calories. Two people had cheesecake..."

Alternative Accountants

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

Duel Fuel?

'With all due respect for your horoscope, Mr. Jones, the outlook for wheat this year is ... '

"Well you did say you wanted something gluten, sugar, fat, additives and calorie free."

Excess Baggage: Sometimes, your plane ticket is the least expensive part of the trip.

Birthday cakes for Dieters...

"Your father suffers from 'Notip Arthritis'. It's characterized by a stiffening of the waitress."

What are the chances?

'If the total is wrong, is the whole thing wrong?'

'Whoa! Our waiter's online and you should see what he's saying about your tip!'

'We strongly recommend you buy the service plan.'

Weight Loss Clinic. Dieting is just a matter of following the path of feast resistance.

Chef with a checklist.

People think accountancy is just about numbers, but there is also the fractions, the percentages

"It's not that you've chosen the wrong diet, it's just that you're not meant to eat them all at once!"