Calorie Counter Pillows

'How do we bake such delicious large muffins that have only 20 calories? Easy, false advertising.'

'It's partly glandular and partly 8,500 calories per day.'

Bake Shop / Crack Co-cake $10.

'I saw the school nurse put that sign up.'

'I think sugar substitutes are fattening. Have you noticed that people who use them are usually overweight?'

'If you go on a diet and lose five pounds, only to gain ten the following month, how many infuriating godforsaken pounds do you weigh?'

"I don't understand Doc, he only eats the same as the rest of us..."

'Clearly my client would be slim, healthy and attractive if MacBurger had adequately warned him of the dangers of eating every scrap of food in their restaurant.'

"And could I have a small diet soda please."

7 brownies worth of exercise.

'Try to kill something that will allow me to stay within a daily 1800 calorie diet.'

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

"Am I still hungry or am I just eating this because it's still there?"

'It's very important to have balanced diet.'

Sawdust.

Low fat diets.

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

'This looks good. The first ingredient is calories.'

'Good job I haven't got to worry about my figure anymore.'

In the calorie family: 'You're home early?' 'Mrs Harrison has started dieting again!'

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

All you can eat buffet...speed limit: 750 calories per minute

'I'd like something with a high amount of vegetable protein, a bit of glucose or dextroe for energy, and some fiber.' 'One peanut butter and jelly on toast.'

'I've decided to get serious about losing weight. I moved the refrigerator out of my bedroom.'

"Don't worry, I shall be putting an exclamation mark after it."

"The way I figure it, we can reach our goal of 10,000 steps a day by moving the refrigerator to the far wall."

"How many calories do you think we burn by pressing these buttons each day?"

"I can't have anything that's a food."

'Sure I eat three desserts but each trip I put only one dessert on my plate. That way I walk off the calories.'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

Extra Rich Cream Cakes

"I'm afraid the chocolate cake puts you over the calorie cap."

Diet Donuts - (Bigger holes).

"I pillage because it burns calories."

'Good. Then there's no reason to stay on this diet any longer.'