Calamity Comedian Gifts

What's your contingency plan, Randy? My what? If a calamity of biblical proportions were to strike here in Canardville, would you flee across the bridge to Candorville? Or would you search in vain for a fallout-resistant bunker, before surrendering to the cruel inevitability of your demise? I ask just for the sake of discussion. No reason to panic. Totally unrelated: I just found out someone who's definitely not me is selling fallout bunkers at buy-this-now-if-you-want-to-live.com. Very bad man.

"...and what really makes this story scary is the kittens got lost in the woods before flea and tick products were invented."

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

"Admit it, we're lost."

"And that's when the therapist suggested… exposure therapy!"

"Beds are not made for jumping on."

'You'll find there's no middle ground with Kirk Knoland.'

"The mad king ruled by chaos and corruption. He pitted everyone against each other, and they all lived divisively ever after. The end."

'George! This way quick!'

"That explains all the cavities."

When Fred's super deluxe leaf blower blew up yet again, he wondered where global deforestation is when you want it,

Have food. Need toilet paper

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Hunting - No. XII

'Sunday in the park'

Boy makes a finger shadow on the tent.

'This will teach them to clean up after themselves after they camp in our woods!'

"Hold on, I'll make that coffee to go!"

"Ahoy!"

Interpretive Dental Hygiene

"Did someone just shout 'sinkhole!!!'?"

Drunks brought into A&E: Alcohol and Emergent Sick.

Over. Under. Sideways. Kid.

'That's weird. All this fortune cookie says is 'look out!''

"What do you think? Would flaming marshmallows make good torches?"

'I've lost my job, my wife and kids, the house, what the hell else could possibly go wrong?!"

Spawn of Satan on board.

Zombie Camping Menu Planning

'No. This is our top-of-the-line lightweight hiking tent. It's meant to be tight.

'Hello, my name is Sam. Come to this watering hole very often?'

How scientists classify the Elements vs how students classify the Elements.

Bull chasing campers, "You and your camping holidays for fresh air and excersize!"

'John's ,um wouldn't have heard if I had said please and thank you - she was too busy shouting for help.'

'Meat again! That's the last dinosaur I kill.'

'I see Mr. Invention is at it again -- we'd better start holding regular fire drills.'