Calamity Collectors Gifts

'I've lost my job, my wife and kids, the house, what the hell else could possibly go wrong?!"

"I remember his last words were, 'Another bite and I'll burst!'..."

'You'll find there's no middle ground with Kirk Knoland.'

"She's been in shavasana for - like - a really long time...."

"These kids and their shellfies..."

'So! -- You're the one who's been stealing the office supplies!'

What's your contingency plan, Randy? My what? If a calamity of biblical proportions were to strike here in Canardville, would you flee across the bridge to Candorville? Or would you search in vain for a fallout-resistant bunker, before surrendering to the cruel inevitability of your demise? I ask just for the sake of discussion. No reason to panic. Totally unrelated: I just found out someone who's definitely not me is selling fallout bunkers at buy-this-now-if-you-want-to-live.com. Very bad man.

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"The clothes looked extra dirty... so I used the whole box of detergent!"

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Hunting - No. XII

'Hey, I've found another one! Let's go and play marbles...'

"Ahoy!"

"The neighborhood association wants to know why you're never at our meetings."

'Well, you'll just have to CONTROL your urge to yodel!'

Cat scratching chair. Chair falls on cat.

"Stop moving!"

'You been sleep walking again?'

JB doesn't like to see anybody that's stressful.

'That hair! That voice! That suit and tie!...Ralph! Pick up the phone and buy 1000 shares of whatever stock he's talking about!'

'I can't get into my room because of all the clothes, books and C.Ds piled up against the door, so we have to go in this way.'

'Our new boss is a well educated sporting ace - the district coffee drinking champ with a master degree on chatting up female colleagues!'

"Sorry I'm late - I got caught in another avalanche."

'I told you she is a bad cook - that's just defrosting the chips.'

"My apologies, sir. Our chef forgot to take his beta-blocker."

'Before you start in officer would you mind getting me a glass of water?'

"People like sincerity - learn to fake that and you've got it made."

Although he had a face like a camel, Roy sure had a way with the ladies.

What's it like having your work hours cut back? It's been interesting, good. I find myself less stressed. For instance, I've got a legal brief due next week and I'm not freaking out. EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED ON IT YET! You do seem calmer. Quick, I need a pen and a copy of the Constitution.

"Do you have any idea what you've done? There are twelve hundred bottles of cognac on that ship!"

'It's easy to remember - if it's steam she's ironing and if it's thick black smoke she's cooking.'

'Why are you always so bloody reasonable?'

'I can't stop, it's a stimulus package.'

"I figured out why your car was pulling to the right."

"Every time I touch a computer it dies. It's taking all the fun out of online shopping."

"I can't believe I ate all that salad for nothing."