Calamity Contemplators Gifts

"Sorry I'm late - I got caught in another avalanche."

Fight or Flight

'You'll find there's no middle ground with Kirk Knoland.'

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

What's your contingency plan, Randy? My what? If a calamity of biblical proportions were to strike here in Canardville, would you flee across the bridge to Candorville? Or would you search in vain for a fallout-resistant bunker, before surrendering to the cruel inevitability of your demise? I ask just for the sake of discussion. No reason to panic. Totally unrelated: I just found out someone who's definitely not me is selling fallout bunkers at buy-this-now-if-you-want-to-live.com. Very bad man.

"Has anyone seen my therapist?"

"What the hell happened to this town?"

Differing thoughts of male and female.

Coronavirus Debate

"I let go of all my earthly attachments, but there's one I can't seem to shake."

California fires and Coronavirus

Is there a reason I'm going into the red? Reason? Am I being penalized? Have I done something wrong? Maybe it's like A Wonderful Life. Your greed is catching up to you. You're experiencing bad karma. So I need to raise my prices?

"Hunters turned philosophers"

'You don't want to go to hell, J.B. In hell, the market is always down.'

"My job is not as easy as it looks: You have to learn about astronomy and celestial mechanics to be able to accurately predict sunrise and sunset..."

"I'm sorry to trouble you yet again with internet issues."

'Darn. His Holiness' letter says nothing about cancelling celibacy.'

'I've lost my job, my wife and kids, the house, what the hell else could possibly go wrong?!"

"Can you stop, now, Lord...for a while?"

If fifty is the new seventy, when is the new dead?

A man with the world on his mind inspects the world

'I like to think of the universe as a God shaped whole.'

'But Mabel, I distinctly remember that the vicar said 'till death us do part...''

Prayers For Agnostics

'Before you start in officer would you mind getting me a glass of water?'

"Yeah, you're right, these can cause long term health issues. But trust me, for you that's not gonna be a problem."

The Guy Who Mixed Up His To-Do List And His Bucket List

"Should we just write them off as a tragic mistake..?"

"The glass is half full�"

A tree that only days earlier was standing perfectly upright on its own.

"...But here in the outside world, I need more time and I need more space."

"I just heard that when you die your social security checks stop!"

"The news: Nobody ran amok today."

"Hmmm... I've NEVER like Blue Oyster Cult..."

The End...