Calamity Collectors Pillows

'I've lost my job, my wife and kids, the house, what the hell else could possibly go wrong?!"

"I remember his last words were, 'Another bite and I'll burst!'..."

'You'll find there's no middle ground with Kirk Knoland.'

"She's been in shavasana for - like - a really long time...."

"These kids and their shellfies..."

'So! -- You're the one who's been stealing the office supplies!'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"The clothes looked extra dirty... so I used the whole box of detergent!"

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Hunting - No. XII

'Hey, I've found another one! Let's go and play marbles...'

"Ahoy!"

'Well, you'll just have to CONTROL your urge to yodel!'

Cat scratching chair. Chair falls on cat.

"Stop moving!"

JB doesn't like to see anybody that's stressful.

'You been sleep walking again?'

'That hair! That voice! That suit and tie!...Ralph! Pick up the phone and buy 1000 shares of whatever stock he's talking about!'

'I can't get into my room because of all the clothes, books and C.Ds piled up against the door, so we have to go in this way.'

"Sorry I'm late - I got caught in another avalanche."

'Before you start in officer would you mind getting me a glass of water?'

'Our new boss is a well educated sporting ace - the district coffee drinking champ with a master degree on chatting up female colleagues!'

'I told you she is a bad cook - that's just defrosting the chips.'

"My apologies, sir. Our chef forgot to take his beta-blocker."

"People like sincerity - learn to fake that and you've got it made."

Although he had a face like a camel, Roy sure had a way with the ladies.

"Do you have any idea what you've done? There are twelve hundred bottles of cognac on that ship!"

'It's easy to remember - if it's steam she's ironing and if it's thick black smoke she's cooking.'

'I can't stop, it's a stimulus package.'

"I figured out why your car was pulling to the right."

"Every time I touch a computer it dies. It's taking all the fun out of online shopping."

"I can't believe I ate all that salad for nothing."

"The news: Nobody ran amok today."