Cable News Gifts

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated

"Our next story should interest all our viewers...it's a real can of worms."

Classic News.

'I've been watching TV all my life. I was born cable ready.'

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

"It's a long-term strategy to make them lazy and complacent first."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

The Art of Bantering!

'What did your grandmother and I do before we had 600 channels? Go ask your 12 aunts and uncles.'

'Uh Oh...Looks like we're going to finally get a little winter.'

"As a voter, I don't follow any party line, I follow a cable channel."

The scourge of the 'burbs, cable pirates board another innocent hom in their unceasing search for that one extra channel, the occasional first-run movie, or the highly-prized pay-per-view sports events..

2020 US president

The Ekert Saga: 'Whoa...you really like cable news, eh, Ekert?'

"The President said he hoped the bill would receive broad bipartisan support from within the Democratic Party."

'Are you through with the financial section?'

"Sometimes it's so bleedin' hard to know who to vote for."

'I don't know but I think I liked last season's TV violence better than this season's.'

"This medication may interact with paying your rent and being able to afford cable."

'You're paying to watch gratuitous violence?'

The American Dream

'Cable rates are only $29.95 a month, but installation will be eight hundred thousand dollars.'

Glenn Beck! First time caller!

'Hello, and welcome to Acme Cable. If you're calling about a billing issue, big whoop. Get over it and pay the bill. If your cable is out, who cares. When it's fixed, you'll know it. If you're...'

"Why would I need 185,000 TV channels??"

'You read? What kind of entertainment is that?'

"I would've called and cancelled, but you know how I hate disappointing cable companies."