Tv News Gifts

Storm poised to hit the mid-Atlantic Coast...'But this time it's a school day!'

'Uh Oh...Looks like we're going to finally get a little winter.'

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

"Our next story should interest all our viewers...it's a real can of worms."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

'Mixed day on Wall Street. Economic indicators were up, but executive bonuses were down.'

"I find wearing a mask helps."

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

News on TV: 'At last, some good news from Iraq...Saddam's chamber of torture is being converted into a chamber of commerce.'

It's 10 pm. Do you know why Iraq, aided by Iran, are fighting against Kurds - a major U.S. ally against Isis - in Northern Iraq?"

'This is just a test. I repeat, this is just a test. But then - maybe not!'

"Good news on Wall Street today"

Man has a seatbelt and 'calm down tablets' to watch the world news.

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

'If social security were privatized, the administration also suggested a name change to 'Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld holdings inc.''

...and now for the news in briefs...

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."

"I could afford a degree in broadcast journalism, but not the makeup."

"No word from the company – but, it's clear that this is a major spill."

The Evening News

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'

'The economy today got a boost from Alan Greenspan, who said it's O.K. to be irrationally exuberant.'

A series of cameras go through a war zone.

'Do you want to watch the, 'everything's terrible' cable news or the 'everything's wonderful' cable news?'

"Stinking politicians and their dirty laundry!" "That's Bob. He's watching 'CSPIN', again."

Unable to get going each day without her dose of Katie Couric, Lois shifted her schedule to be in sync with the star's new evening news job.