Tv News Gifts

Storm poised to hit the mid-Atlantic Coast...'But this time it's a school day!'

'Uh Oh...Looks like we're going to finally get a little winter.'

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

'Mixed day on Wall Street. Economic indicators were up, but executive bonuses were down.'

"Our next story should interest all our viewers...it's a real can of worms."

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

News on TV: 'At last, some good news from Iraq...Saddam's chamber of torture is being converted into a chamber of commerce.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

"Good news on Wall Street today"

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."

'If social security were privatized, the administration also suggested a name change to 'Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld holdings inc.''

'This is just a test. I repeat, this is just a test. But then - maybe not!'

...and now for the news in briefs...

It's 10 pm. Do you know why Iraq, aided by Iran, are fighting against Kurds - a major U.S. ally against Isis - in Northern Iraq?"

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

Man has a seatbelt and 'calm down tablets' to watch the world news.

"I could afford a degree in broadcast journalism, but not the makeup."

The Evening News

"No word from the company – but, it's clear that this is a major spill."

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'

'The economy today got a boost from Alan Greenspan, who said it's O.K. to be irrationally exuberant.'

A series of cameras go through a war zone.

'Do you want to watch the, 'everything's terrible' cable news or the 'everything's wonderful' cable news?'

'The market goes up, the market goes down. And that's our business report.'

Two reporters interview each other.

"C'mon, Hillary – just answer the question!"