Cable News Watcher Gifts

Classic News.

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

Fear of news.

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

'Mark my words! Our enemies will test this young guy with a huge international crisis as soon as he's electe! But don't worry, he'll be fine!', 'Come here, Joe -- let me give you a nice fist bump!'

The North Portico of the White House runs away crying.

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

"Our next story should interest all our viewers...it's a real can of worms."

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

News on TV: 'At last, some good news from Iraq...Saddam's chamber of torture is being converted into a chamber of commerce.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

It's 10 pm. Do you know why Iraq, aided by Iran, are fighting against Kurds - a major U.S. ally against Isis - in Northern Iraq?"

'This is just a test. I repeat, this is just a test. But then - maybe not!'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

"It's the American version, type in 'Adultery' and it comes out with 'Inappropriate relationship' "

Man has a seatbelt and 'calm down tablets' to watch the world news.

'If social security were privatized, the administration also suggested a name change to 'Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld holdings inc.''

The Evening News

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."

"Good news on Wall Street today"

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'

'The economy today got a boost from Alan Greenspan, who said it's O.K. to be irrationally exuberant.'

'Do you want to watch the, 'everything's terrible' cable news or the 'everything's wonderful' cable news?'

'Our ratings are down. Let's blame it on the media.'

'Remember your blood pressure, dear!...the Dr, warned about anything that would anger you, like this divided congress and their inability to compromise on things beneficial to the nation.'

"C'mon, Hillary – just answer the question!"

"This just in: Everything is worse."

'The market goes up, the market goes down. And that's our business report.'