Cable News Host Gifts

Glenn Beck! First time caller!

The Art of Bantering!

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

Showbiz Awards

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

News and Magazines. Celebrity gossip. Sports scandals. Political bickering. We're out of the "information age" and well into the "too much information age"!

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

Difference of Opinion

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"As some of you may have guessed I got yesterday's sunburn factor wrong!"

'Poll results are in...90% of Americans can't spell Schwarzenneger.'

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

"....So called 'fake news' is dangerous to our democracy!"

"Which news channel should we watch?"

'You don't want weather? Not a problem! How about sports, or maybe a nice movie? We can do that! Just put that thing down and let's talk, OK?'

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

Mary Tyler Moore: Spot the Difference

"Er...nothing much has happened yet today...."

Local News in Heaven

'Och lye the news'

'Stocks rose on the rumor that the market is mostly rumor-driven.'

Reporter #6: television.