News Host Gifts

"After a hard day at the office, all Barry wants to do is put his feet up and listen to somebody tell him what to think."

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Showbiz Awards

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

Difference of Opinion

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

'Poll results are in...90% of Americans can't spell Schwarzenneger.'

"As some of you may have guessed I got yesterday's sunburn factor wrong!"

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

'You don't want weather? Not a problem! How about sports, or maybe a nice movie? We can do that! Just put that thing down and let's talk, OK?'

"Sorry, that's not my table."

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

"Which news channel should we watch?"

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"....So called 'fake news' is dangerous to our democracy!"

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!