Cable Tv Critic Gifts

'You're paying to watch gratuitous violence?'

Chet's Cable Company

ConCast. Do you think you neighbors might like to switch to cable? Would you mind asking them? Indirect Mail Campaign.

'He says some time between 7 A.M. and infinity.'

The All NEW Violence Channel!

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

American Idle.

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

'What does it say, Dad?'

Can't Touch This

"I like it but does it get only the one channel?"

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Hey, wait a minute! Isn't that our TV cable?"

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

Christmas TV...

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

Can't Touch This

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

"You don't have to answer that."

"I suppose we have Judge Judy to thank for all this."

'Well, kids -- I guess it all started to fall apart when they canceled 'Seinfeld'....'