Cynical Tv Critic Gifts

'The following program was made possible by canceling an even WORSE program.'

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

'What does it say, Dad?'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Can't Touch This

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

Can't Touch This

Christmas TV...

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"With great power comes great reward."

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"I suppose we have Judge Judy to thank for all this."

"You don't have to answer that."

Diana Inquest - 'It's time to move on, and start making a TV mini-series of her life.'

'Well, kids -- I guess it all started to fall apart when they canceled 'Seinfeld'....'

NEWS WEATHER SPORTS

'He has a learning disability all right - television!'

Silly News.