Cynical Tv Critic T-Shirts

'The following program was made possible by canceling an even WORSE program.'

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Can't Touch This

'What does it say, Dad?'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"With great power comes great reward."

"I suppose we have Judge Judy to thank for all this."

"You don't have to answer that."

Diana Inquest - 'It's time to move on, and start making a TV mini-series of her life.'

Tonight, on the microwave channel... chicken pot pie!

'Ironically, sportswear is the most comfortable clothing for doing nothing in.'

NEWS WEATHER SPORTS

'He has a learning disability all right - television!'