Business Culture Critics Gifts

"Let's play two truths and a lie: some of you will be fired, some of you won't be, no one's fired."

"Looks like we found the issue."

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

Spot the difference.

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'I'm judging by your silence Al that you're giving me the green light on the Greenwich project. I just want to say that I admire your leadership. I guess that's why you've been running this company for 20 years.'

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

That shows business confidence.

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

Lethal Presentation

"Read our contracts, Ms Donahue. It says 'No Sexual Harassment on the workfloor!'"

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

'The portrait is a mark of his extreme egotism, but, if you curtsy and bow sufficiently...say, 'Oh Yes Sir!'!, to everything he says, you should do OK'

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

'Miss Pym, we've made a smaller loss than last year, order me a much larger desk.'

"It's o.k., come on out."

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

'Before we starnt, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

Desk sign: "Yes, sir"

"Sorry, Foster, but I'm letting you go. I just downloaded the 'Scapegoat' app."