Budget Banter Enthusiast Gifts

"My only problem with fiscal restraint is the restraint part."

'I like the jib of their cuts.'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

Wine Selection 'Here we are. Our cheapest house wine. Would the gentleman care to smell the twisty cap?'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We are entering an era of thrift, so in place of champagne and canapes, there will be a jumble sale.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

'Let's go home and come back next year. It's Ground Hog Deficit!'

DIY marriage counseling.

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'They never quite finished it - it was probably over budget.'

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

The spend is high

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

'You're clearly not well, just keep taking these until we run out of them.'

"I'm afraid your allowance didn't survive the latest round of budget cuts."

You look lovely tonight. It's a good think the coat-check girl let me check my thought balloons. !!

Family planning - 'I was thinking something low maintenance.'

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

The Art of Bantering!

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

"Could you hold off clipping your coupons until I've finished reading the paper?"

'You're looking well.'

"I was listening at the door and I overheard the nickname they have for me."

"Let's go bowling and keep on bowling until the people who regulate bowling say it isn't bowling any more!"

'Sorry, I only drink still wines. I don't have the patience to wait for bubbles to pop.'

"I don't know—my gut tells me I should have another beer."