Breakup Humorist Gifts

"Let's face it, Diana. I'm not good enough for you, and vice versa."

"Sorry, babe, this ain't gonna work out. I'm lactose intolerant."

"We broke up last month but still fight over custody of the kids we had hoped to have one day."

'Tech support? If I send a 'Dear John' email to someone named Bob, will it get through?'

'Do you have one that says 'It's all over but I'm keeping the ring'?'

Barry and Jenny pretty much backed into their romance, thus making it easier to find their way out when it was kaput....

"I've got a very particular set of skills. And putting up with you isn't one of them."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"This is my new country song I wrote about my self-driving truck leaving me..."

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Well, thanks, but we have no need of a Divorce Lawyer: We're Lovebirds you see...'

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

When at a loss for words Colin would often resort to communicating through the medium of contemporary dance.

"I honored her every request except for the last one: 'Harold, please stop making a scene'."

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

"I've learned something about you tonight, Alan. You say 'chowmein' when you mean 'lomein'."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

'Whaddya mean, 'Quit hogging the blanket'? There's a blanket in here?

Always Compatible

"I love a woman with a sense of humour."

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'