Breakup Humor Fan Gifts

"I'm sorry, Sparky... I don't think we're a good fit."

Life is for the birds.

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

One cheese omelette, and I've never cheated on my husband. Um, okay. Anything else? A side of hash browns for this one-man woman! And a chocolate as hot and sweet as my intensely singular love for this phenomenal guy. Chuck? Yes dear? I've been having an affair for the last six months. Oh don't act surprised. One scone, and what the @#$% just happened? The denial and snacks before the storm.

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."

What do I want out of our relationship? Same thing anyone wants. Good value.

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

'Marry me!'

'I told you he had a temper.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"Manfred, don't get so defensive!"

"Ogden, you're taking yourself too damn seriously."

“Stop avoiding me. I know when you are sleeping. I know when you are awake.”

'Sorry, I'm afraid it was a false alarm. It turns out that 'the emergency gas leak' was my husband.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"I'm sorry, but it's just not going to work out between us. We're contraindicated."

"Do you have to put tomato sauce on everything?"

"He's a terrible drunk."

"What the hell do you mean you don't think it's mine?!"

"Can we not fly in a "V"? Victor broke up with me."

"This now concludes our broadcast day."

'You never comment in hushed tones of awe when you catch a glimpse of MY wonders of nature!'