Breakup Humor Gifts

"It's not you – it's my anaphylaxis."

"Can we not fly in a "V"? Victor broke up with me."

Life is for the birds.

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."

"Trust me. It's no big deal. I'm even tuning you out right now."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

'I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer.'

"Let's take in a trial."

What do I want out of our relationship? Same thing anyone wants. Good value.

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"That word-puzzle gloat of yours is getting old fast."

"Manfred, don't get so defensive!"