Breakup Humor Gifts

"It's not you – it's my anaphylaxis."

"Can we not fly in a "V"? Victor broke up with me."

Life is for the birds.

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

One cheese omelette, and I've never cheated on my husband. Um, okay. Anything else? A side of hash browns for this one-man woman! And a chocolate as hot and sweet as my intensely singular love for this phenomenal guy. Chuck? Yes dear? I've been having an affair for the last six months. Oh don't act surprised. One scone, and what the @#$% just happened? The denial and snacks before the storm.

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"Trust me. It's no big deal. I'm even tuning you out right now."

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

'I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer.'

"Let's take in a trial."

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

What do I want out of our relationship? Same thing anyone wants. Good value.