Break-up Humorist Gifts

'By this time next year you'll be with someone new. You'll tell her about today and laugh. You'll laugh that snorty little piggy laugh of yours. She'll throw you out too.'

"Let's split and take things to the next level."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"This is my new country song I wrote about my self-driving truck leaving me..."

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

Middle-Age Superheroes

"I said I'd give you the world, didn't I?"

"You really ought to cut down on your scream time."

'Well, thanks, but we have no need of a Divorce Lawyer: We're Lovebirds you see...'

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

When at a loss for words Colin would often resort to communicating through the medium of contemporary dance.

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

Always Compatible

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

I think you'll find that I'm easily encouraged. For instance, the fact that the two exclamation points above your head are tempered by one question mark gives me great hope. !?!

"I love a woman with a sense of humour."

"I've learned something about you tonight, Alan. You say 'chowmein' when you mean 'lomein'."

'Whaddya mean, 'Quit hogging the blanket'? There's a blanket in here?

"I honored her every request except for the last one: 'Harold, please stop making a scene'."

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

"Well, hello there, Boo Boo. Where's Daddy?"

Nothing to say! Wouldn't wanna hear about it anyway!

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'I know you'll find this hard to believe but I am actually a self made man.'

"Next time you meet me dressed as a giant boy, it's going to cost you a pair of diamond earrings."