Book Snob Gifts

"Sorry, Pembroke, but Telford here is lavishly illustrated."

"A little bit less television, a little bit more books on tape. What's your New Year's resolution?

Not to be a motion picture. Will remain just a book.

These e-readers are totally unsatisfying. Because you can't see what someone is reading? Precisely. With paper books, you can see that someone sitting at the cafe is reading a stupid romance or a mindless thriller. You can walk by them, hold up your copy of 1984 or some Marshall McLuhan essay, and let out a condescending snort. Which reminds me, you know that McLuhan would say about all this media? I tuned out three panels ago.

Airport Literature

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

Victor Hugo

Reading my Critics

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

"Now I really hate poetry."

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

Audio Books

"I try to write a little bit every day."

Sign in book shop window: 'Critics agree the book is much better than the movie.'

Sue the Author 3PM

'It's a novel based on a movie adapted from a magazine article that was inspired by a video game.'

Charles Darwin Book Signing.

'No room at the inn, baby born in a manger: It's gonna be a great story to tell at parties...'

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

What Harper Lee's REALLY been up to all these years

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

Myths and legends...

'I'll blurb you if you'll blurb me.'

"Hmm...I can see a best-selling book and a movie deal out of this..."

Moby Dick

'Meet the author with her collaborators'

'Sorry, Marx, but your writing ability doesn't meet our needs.'

'He wrote a whole book on how to play a slot machine. I'm anxious for his next one: How to Set an Alarm Clock.'

Tesseract of the D'Urbervilles.

Fifty shades of Leveson.

"Is this fiction, non-fiction or historical fiction?"

'According to this, you owe $57.32 in late fees for the book 'Getting By on a Shoestring Budget'.'

"I think I see your deadline approaching."

'How about having at least one character who's alive and wearing clothes?'