Book Snob T-Shirts

"Sorry, Pembroke, but Telford here is lavishly illustrated."

"A little bit less television, a little bit more books on tape. What's your New Year's resolution?

Not to be a motion picture. Will remain just a book.

Airport Literature

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

Reading my Critics

"Now I really hate poetry."

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

Audio Books

"I try to write a little bit every day."

Sign in book shop window: 'Critics agree the book is much better than the movie.'

Sue the Author 3PM

'It's a novel based on a movie adapted from a magazine article that was inspired by a video game.'

Charles Darwin Book Signing.

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

'No room at the inn, baby born in a manger: It's gonna be a great story to tell at parties...'

'I'll blurb you if you'll blurb me.'

What Harper Lee's REALLY been up to all these years

"Hmm...I can see a best-selling book and a movie deal out of this..."

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

Myths and legends...

Moby Dick

'Meet the author with her collaborators'

'Sorry, Marx, but your writing ability doesn't meet our needs.'

Fifty shades of Leveson.

'He wrote a whole book on how to play a slot machine. I'm anxious for his next one: How to Set an Alarm Clock.'

Tesseract of the D'Urbervilles.

"Is this fiction, non-fiction or historical fiction?"

"I think I see your deadline approaching."

'It was a dark and stormy night. Also, there was a Catch-22.'

"Your membership entitles you to 15 books,45 posters,200 leaflets and umpteen stickers!"

'Publshing Books for Dummies.'

"There goes our early night."