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"The judicial rulings are over here. That section is all lawyer jokes."

'It's a novel based on a movie adapted from a magazine article that was inspired by a video game.'

'So it's not an 'e' book, or an 'i' book, it's just 'a' book?'

'We're promoting you to Full Professor, Ferguson -- Here are your elbow patches!:'

They asked me to step in. He kept spelling his name wrong.

'I think you'll find that should be 'to whom' rather than 'to who'.'

"It's a stream of consciousness novel like 'Ulysses' I just sort of sat down and wrote it without even thinking of a plot have you had drink I', going to get a seat where do you come from it's hot in here I like blue do you like blue..."

'Cat on a Hot Tin Streetcar' and 'A roof named Desire' I love 'em Mr. Williams but we'll have to re look at those titles!'

"I think I see your deadline approaching."

'The Secret is to write what you know.'

Audio Books

Science vs. Literature, an Eternal Battle.

What we hear: Wroof! Growl! What they say: Once again the Nobel Prize in literature went to the wrong person!

'It was a dark and stormy night. Also, there was a Catch-22.'

'Maybe writing isn't your field, Orville. You've been stuck for a week on the title of your novel.'

'Name the writer from Bohemia who wrote 'The Trial' in 1925.' 'Ka!Ka!Ka!Kaf!Kaf! Kafka!'

"Funny, funny, funny, but we're going to pass on 'How to Drink and Drive.' "

Publisher reading his Annual Accounts: "My favourite publication!"

"Your membership entitles you to 15 books,45 posters,200 leaflets and umpteen stickers!"

'It's had the best reviews I've ever written.'

" I see they're toughening up on overdue library books, Cecil."

Literary Dogs.

"These printers can be pretty self-righteous when they present their bills."

"You can't use J. K. Rowling of plagiarising your work just because she used the same vowels."

'I'm an author, Rose... we'll talk at the book signing.'

Pointing Man.

"Congratulations! You are now forging ahead in our self-isolating backdrop competition!"

Early Reading Group . . .

Man looks at books such as Toast for Dummies: 'I think this series has run its course.'

1984 Updated Version

Fifty shades of Leveson.

'Delete - delete - delete.'

Myths and legends...

A man crushed by a bookcase labelled Health and Safety

"It all happened so fast. 'Notable Book of the Year' to the remainder shelves to HERE in just six months!"