Body-positive Humorist Gifts

'Could you give me big tits?'

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

"It's a new work-out video. It shows a mother chasing after three little children all day."

"If we carry them home we’ll get at least one workout."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

Bench Press Accident

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'When the doctor told you to warm up before exercising, I don't think he meant with hot chocolate and hot cross buns.'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I've been on a diet for 5 weeks and can safely tell you that I've lost 5 weeks."

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

Snowman with big carrot nose to one with small carrot nose: 'I'd increase your beta carotene.'

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

Musclesnakes just swallow the dumbbells.

"One slice—hold the bread."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

'Why are jogging on the spot?'

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"Still on your left."

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

"Eat lots of carrots."

'Can you make me taste like broccoli?'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

Formally foods that were good for you.