Bleacher Banter Lover Gifts

'Yo, Bob! I think a heckler just nailed me with something. What's on my back?'

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

'Oh, and this ringtone is an app that alerts me when a fly ball is headed my way.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'You both know the rules -- walk 1 paces, turn, and tee off on each other.'

'Anderson! On this team we slap hands or slap fannies after someone scores a run. We do not slap faces.'

An Archeologic Dig

'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

"Why so aloof in here? When you're on base, you yak your ass off with every Yankee in sight."

'Lungs, normal. Heart, normal. Kidneys, normal. For the life of me, I can't figure out where your pain is coming... wait. Do you play hockey?'

"Whoa. Check it out, Doug. Your ex-wife is sitting right below us with that dolt she ran off with..."

"That fish may be bigger, but I caught more."

'Frank's last request was that he be cremated and that I never give up his season tickets.'

Fan-Centric Stadium

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. Amanda Kern. Comics Counseling. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

"That's okay, I lost my wife years ago. Worst poker hand I ever played."

STILL LIVES - Double Head Match: 'I think we're a match made in heaven.' 'It seems more like the the work of the Devil to me!'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

'...So what if all the other parents screamed at the umpire?...'

"I may have bird legs but at least I don't have crow's feet."

'Here comes Ted.'

"Some prop-forward he's turned out to be."

'I do hope you enjoy your birthday lie-in, dear.'

'I hired a local guide. He knows every square inch of this stadium...'

"When we get inside, remember to use your indoor whining and complaining voice."

'Time out!'

'Have we met someplace? Yes, that's why I quit going there.'

'Both benches have emptied, and now the brawl is spreading to the spectators!'

'You can't make a wit out of two half wits.'

'Whoa! Don't try to be a hero. It's too late for Dan, but let this be a lesson...'

'My pitcher needs to get fired up by the home crowd. Pass the collection basket.'