Bleacher Comedian Gifts

'Oh, and this ringtone is an app that alerts me when a fly ball is headed my way.'

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

'And now, please stand and join us as complete amateur butchers our national anthem.'

Vendor selling testosterone.

'Anderson! On this team we slap hands or slap fannies after someone scores a run. We do not slap faces.'

'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'

Bench clearing brawl, $5.

'Lungs, normal. Heart, normal. Kidneys, normal. For the life of me, I can't figure out where your pain is coming... wait. Do you play hockey?'

'I'll take the one on the right.'

"Whoa. Check it out, Doug. Your ex-wife is sitting right below us with that dolt she ran off with..."

'Frank's last request was that he be cremated and that I never give up his season tickets.'

'He's not a skilled pitcher. In fact, he throws like a nerd...'

Fan-Centric Stadium

'...So what if all the other parents screamed at the umpire?...'

"As fans we are smart enough to understand the game, but not smart enough to realize how unimportant it really is."

'There was a time when I considered making myself available for the NBA draft. But one day I realized, hey - I'm a slug! I don't have an athletic bone in my body!'

'My pitcher needs to get fired up by the home crowd. Pass the collection basket.'

'Both benches have emptied, and now the brawl is spreading to the spectators!'

'Whoa! Don't try to be a hero. It's too late for Dan, but let this be a lesson...'

'Shake it off, Dewey! Getting hit by a pitch is as good as a single!'

Spring, 1998: The world of sports is paralyzed by an equipment managers' strike.

'Time out!'

No Strike Zone Man.

Bad Knees.

'Yo, Bob! I think a heckler just nailed me with something. What's on my back?'

'Upon further review, the ruling on the field is upheld. The catch was totally constitutional. Touchdown!'

How to show some hustle.

'I knew this would happen. The scorekeeper and time-clock official have been throwing elbows and talking trash the entire game.'

'Hey! This isn't a sold-out crowd! It's just a bunch of cartoon humps symbolizing a sold-out crowd!'

'Don't panic! Remain perfectly still. Do not make eye contact. If he attacks, curl into a fetal position and play dead.'

Dugout sale!

'Foul ball!!'

Stadium usher of the month.