Bleacher Buddy Gifts

'Lungs, normal. Heart, normal. Kidneys, normal. For the life of me, I can't figure out where your pain is coming... wait. Do you play hockey?'

'Anderson! On this team we slap hands or slap fannies after someone scores a run. We do not slap faces.'

'Son, that was just a white lie to get you to come with me ... They don't really hand out 3-D glasses at the ballpark.'

Benchwarmer coach.

"Whoa. Check it out, Doug. Your ex-wife is sitting right below us with that dolt she ran off with..."

Heckler of the month.

'...Charles is a better kiss-up, so he will be starting in the position right next to me on the bench.'

'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'

'Wind shear!'

'...So what if all the other parents screamed at the umpire?...'

You must be as dumb as this post to sit in this section.

'I can't wait to see the highlights on TV!'

'Time out!'

American Sports Idol.

'Attaboy, Dewey! Three up and three down!'

'Heads up!!'

'We lost everything - hot dogs, popcorn, game programs, an order of nachos. Got out of our seats with just the clothes on our backs, but we're both OK, and that's what matters most.'

'...After a few hours he'll get hungry and bored and simply let go.'

Smackdown and immediate first aid.

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

'Oh, and this ringtone is an app that alerts me when a fly ball is headed my way.'

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

'You both know the rules -- walk 1 paces, turn, and tee off on each other.'

Vendor selling testosterone.

Bench clearing brawl, $5.

'I'll take the one on the right.'

'Frank's last request was that he be cremated and that I never give up his season tickets.'

'He's not a skilled pitcher. In fact, he throws like a nerd...'

Fan-Centric Stadium

"As fans we are smart enough to understand the game, but not smart enough to realize how unimportant it really is."

'My pitcher needs to get fired up by the home crowd. Pass the collection basket.'

'Shake it off, Dewey! Getting hit by a pitch is as good as a single!'

Spring, 1998: The world of sports is paralyzed by an equipment managers' strike.

'There was a time when I considered making myself available for the NBA draft. But one day I realized, hey - I'm a slug! I don't have an athletic bone in my body!'