Bleacher Bum Gifts

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

Talk About Sports $2 a min.

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

'Oh, and this ringtone is an app that alerts me when a fly ball is headed my way.'

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

'You both know the rules -- walk 1 paces, turn, and tee off on each other.'

'And now, please stand and join us as complete amateur butchers our national anthem.'

Vendor selling testosterone.

'Anderson! On this team we slap hands or slap fannies after someone scores a run. We do not slap faces.'

'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'

Bench clearing brawl, $5.

'Lungs, normal. Heart, normal. Kidneys, normal. For the life of me, I can't figure out where your pain is coming... wait. Do you play hockey?'

'I'll take the one on the right.'

"Whoa. Check it out, Doug. Your ex-wife is sitting right below us with that dolt she ran off with..."

'He's not a skilled pitcher. In fact, he throws like a nerd...'

'Frank's last request was that he be cremated and that I never give up his season tickets.'

Fan-Centric Stadium

'...So what if all the other parents screamed at the umpire?...'

"As fans we are smart enough to understand the game, but not smart enough to realize how unimportant it really is."

No Strike Zone Man.

'Time out!'

'Shake it off, Dewey! Getting hit by a pitch is as good as a single!'

'Whoa! Don't try to be a hero. It's too late for Dan, but let this be a lesson...'

'My pitcher needs to get fired up by the home crowd. Pass the collection basket.'

'Both benches have emptied, and now the brawl is spreading to the spectators!'

Spring, 1998: The world of sports is paralyzed by an equipment managers' strike.

'There was a time when I considered making myself available for the NBA draft. But one day I realized, hey - I'm a slug! I don't have an athletic bone in my body!'

Bad Knees.

'Upon further review, the ruling on the field is upheld. The catch was totally constitutional. Touchdown!'

'I knew this would happen. The scorekeeper and time-clock official have been throwing elbows and talking trash the entire game.'

How to show some hustle.

'Don't panic! Remain perfectly still. Do not make eye contact. If he attacks, curl into a fetal position and play dead.'

'Hey! This isn't a sold-out crowd! It's just a bunch of cartoon humps symbolizing a sold-out crowd!'

Dugout sale!

Stadium usher of the month.