Bleacher Creature Gifts

'Psssst! Ump! Wrong way!'

'I'll take the one on the right.'

'It slipped... Next!!'

'Shake it off, Dewey! Getting hit by a pitch is as good as a single!'

'...When you hear 'Heads up,' that means duck your head...'

'I knew this would happen. The scorekeeper and time-clock official have been throwing elbows and talking trash the entire game.'

'Here we go again. No defense. ... Scott just stands there and lets the opposing ghost go right through him.'

'We should have called weeks ago.'

'I don't know why, but food always tastes better at the ballpark.'

'He's not a skilled pitcher. In fact, he throws like a nerd...'

'Upon further review, the ruling on the field is upheld. The catch was totally constitutional. Touchdown!'

Bench clearing brawl, $5.

'Don't panic! Remain perfectly still. Do not make eye contact. If he attacks, curl into a fetal position and play dead.'

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No Strike Zone Man.

Vendor selling testosterone.

'There was a time when I considered making myself available for the NBA draft. But one day I realized, hey - I'm a slug! I don't have an athletic bone in my body!'

'Hey! This isn't a sold-out crowd! It's just a bunch of cartoon humps symbolizing a sold-out crowd!'

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

Spring, 1998: The world of sports is paralyzed by an equipment managers' strike.

'... Hunt? Runt? Grunt? Bunt? ... Bunt! He's telling the batter to bunt!'

'Whatever you can give, sir. No amount is too small. Then pass the basket down the row...'

"As fans we are smart enough to understand the game, but not smart enough to realize how unimportant it really is."

'Oh, and this ringtone is an app that alerts me when a fly ball is headed my way.'

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

'You both know the rules -- walk 1 paces, turn, and tee off on each other.'

'And now, please stand and join us as complete amateur butchers our national anthem.'

'Anderson! On this team we slap hands or slap fannies after someone scores a run. We do not slap faces.'

'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'

'Lungs, normal. Heart, normal. Kidneys, normal. For the life of me, I can't figure out where your pain is coming... wait. Do you play hockey?'

"Whoa. Check it out, Doug. Your ex-wife is sitting right below us with that dolt she ran off with..."

Fan-Centric Stadium

'...So what if all the other parents screamed at the umpire?...'

'I hired a local guide. He knows every square inch of this stadium...'